“Am I addicted to building my future because I’m scared of the present?”

open tabs from my brain, and something i’m learning out loud.

There’s a weird kind of loneliness that hits when you’re doing the work but don’t really have anything to show yet. No numbers. No proof. No aesthetic progress pics. Just your word, scattered notes, and the feeling that you’re maybe onto something. But you still can’t tell if it’s delusion or if this is your ikigai. ← (google that word.)

I’ve been sitting with this a lot lately.

I have ideas. I try things. I write stuff. I build behind the scenes. But I still don’t know if it’s working or if I’m just performing hope with no plan…

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Some days I feel like a genius. Other days I forget how to spell “genius.”

I’m just not sure if I’m on the right path or if I’m just addicted to building the future because I’m scared of the present. Maybe both are true.

I have no idea if this will land for anyone else. But if you’ve ever felt like you're holding something fragile and invisible and still choosing to protect it, feel free to respond to this newsletter with some thoughts.

Believing in yourself and your talent is so hard when you are doing it alone, and can’t prove to anyone else that what you are doing is worth believing in.

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Some mornings I wake up feeling like I’m gonna change the game. Other times I feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing, made no progress, and should probably just do the world a favor and stay in bed.

I’ll be honest, it’s exhausting carrying many versions of myself around. The dreamer, the doubter, the guy that just wants to have fun, the hustler, etc…

None of it makes sense. But somehow I still care.

I think I’m slowly learning that growth doesn’t always feel like growth. It doesn’t always come with clarity, or momentum. And that sometimes it’s not uplifting at all, but rather comes with confusion and stress.
Like doing the work and having no idea if it’s working.

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Thanks for your time.

And that’s it.

No advice this week. Just some open tabs from my brain, and something I’m learning out loud.

If you’re in the middle of this too, I think the quieter you stay, the less people even have the chance to participate in believing in you. So try to be out there a little more, even if you have 0 proof that your idea is worth believing in.

I hope you keep going, even if it’s slow.

• Amin

  - learning out loud

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About the ikigai

If you’ve never heard of, or looked into your own ikigai before, here’s a little link to learn more:
ikigai worksheet
No pressure. Just something to mess around with when you’re overthinking your whole life anyway.